This week I’ve been interviewing my kids—something I’ve done regularly with them since they’ve been very small. Over the years, these “interviews” might take place while we’re together in the car, out to lunch, on a date, or at home in their rooms or mine. Still, they occasionally think they’re in trouble when I ask if they have time for us to talk together (I guess we still have some work to do here). Really, it’s just a two-way, 1:1 conversation about life with no interruptions. I like to ask how things are going for them overall, and then find out what they think I can do to help support them in their challenges and goals. We talk about our family, what they like/don’t like, friends, school, challenges, questions they have, and where they see themselves in a few months, a year, five years, or even ten.
I’m thankful because now I have the model I use in coaching to guide these conversations even better. When we get into specifics, like we did this week, I can help them tune into what they really want. This week we talked about summertime goals and plans. I usually begin this conversation in February with my teens because it helps them prepare mentally and emotionally, to figure out certain stepping stones they may need to engage in to set their summer experience up for success (applying for a job ahead of time, for instance).
The question that has been the most helpful is, “When you get ready to start school again in the fall and you reflect back on your summer, what do you hope to have accomplished?” This gives clear results and insight into what they’re wanting. It’s self-driven. We’re not talking about what I want but what they want. Next, I ask what they think they need to DO in order to get that result (this is the action line of the model). I ask, “What else” and “anything else?” until we have exhausted all possible actions. Then we get to the feeling line of the model. “What would you need to be feeling in order to do these things?” A one-word emotion will suffice. Lastly, I ask them what they would need to be thinking in order to be feeling that emotion. This is the juice right here, the power behind everything. My college-aged daughter who was feeling overwhelmed about her summer of working and going to school, had been thinking, “this is going to be hard,” and “I’m not going to have time to do anything,” decided she needed to think, “I can do this.” For her, this thought generates a capable, energetic feeling that can motivate actions to produce the result she wants.
It’s not just the topics of the interviews that we cover, it’s the atmosphere and relationship this has created. With multiple children and many of us coming and going at different times, it’s been a way to create a solid foundation for a one on one relationship with each of my children. They may not always think it, but deep down they know I am here for them. They’re reminded of that regularly. I love the many sub-topics that come up during these conversations, as we get off track and run down other paths. I get insight into their lives in a way I wouldn’t otherwise have.
We have opportunities to talk to our kids every day and these conversations don’t need to take place during a special “interview” weekly or monthly—however, making time and setting it aside from everything else with no distractions has been a valuable practice that pays huge dividends. It opens doors for more connectedness and bonding in the regular day to day.
What practices have you put in place that help you connect with your kids?
