When I started researching more of the science behind the teen brain, I began to look at my kids’ behaviors as totally normal rather than off-the-charts emotionally dramatic and damaging. I stopped making things mean I was a bad parent or that they were doomed to a life of poor judgment and failure.
Instead, I understood they were going through a process of individualized brain evolution and that would mean learning through trial and error.
The rational part of a teen’s brain isn’t fully developed until years later, at around age 25. Teen brains and adult brains work differently—adults think more with the prefrontal cortex or higher brain (rational thinking, problem-solving part of the brain), whereas teens process information more with the lower brain or amygdala—the emotional part of the brain. For teens, the center between the rational brain and emotional brain are still learning to communicate and connect. This is part of why emotions run high during the teen years. They often connect events to what they are feeling rather than being able to articulate what they were thinking.
How Can Parents Help?
No matter how much your teen may minimize your role in their life, remember that you are the most important role model. Even when friends are important to them, you are the one who will have a profound and long-lasting effect.
Our responsibilities as parents include being available to talk to them, listen to them, and teach them in an emotionally safe environment.
Familiarize yourself with the things that are important to your teen, ask your teen to help you understand their point of view, even when you may not agree.
Help your teen see the connection between their thoughts, feelings, actions and consequences.
Let them know you see their strengths, that they are resilient, and that they have the power and ability to make a difference.
Show that you have faith and trust them and that you trust the process. Teach them about Growth Mindset vs. Fixed Mindset and how they are a work in progress.
Learn to enjoy the process together.
Sometimes I take a walk into my backyard at night and stare up into space. When I think things aren’t going so well, it reminds me it’s really not the end of the world. In the magnificent scheme of things, and in comparison to the vast universe, I’m convinced that what’s going on in my microcosm is going to be ok. Even when it’s not ok, it really is ok. I’m part of this process and I’m learning, too.
