I came from a family where important values and principles were modeled to me. I knew I wanted to pass along many of those things to my own family. Still, I thirsted for more. I had questions without clear answers and sometimes felt I lacked the knowhow in terms of raising kids in my specific circumstances.
I became a watcher. I pondered what I saw others doing and took a lot of notes. Gradually, I asked questions and as we came to know other families, I learned from their openness and candor. I will always be appreciative for their willingness to share. They were mentors to me, and I listened and learned.
Fast forward to parenting during the teen years, and I began to have different questions. I wanted to know more about setting appropriate boundaries with what seemed like a new day and age. Maintaining a loving relationship was important to me, but I found myself growing impatient and angry instead. It became increasingly challenging to have the same kind of influence over my children and their environment as I once had when they were younger.
We started having run-ins with our kids over new things like their whereabouts, curfew, clothing choices, language and media choices, or simply following basic family guidelines and routines. I didn’t like this new level of feeling out of control.
It became apparent that instead of keeping a tight grip over things I couldn’t control, I needed to spend my energy on areas that would make the most difference in my children’s lives.
One of these became spending more time on my knees in prayer. I asked for a greater ability to see where I could let things go, to prioritize and focus on the most important aspects of parenting. I knew I needed to love more unconditionally, to find and nurture strengths in my children instead of criticizing and finding fault.
My kids were making new and different decisions, and I was having panicky thoughts about many of them. My communication with them seemed to be falling on nothing but persistent eye-rolls and deaf ears.
I worried about the relationship we had, or lack thereof and I thought many of the decisions my kids were making were leading them down a slippery slope, away from values and principles my husband and I worked so intentionally to instill.
Part of what I began to recognize was my inability to see how I was taking from them one of the core principles I hold dear—the gift of agency itself. The ability to choose is at the very core of my beliefs. I had taught them, now they needed to choose for themselves.
While this didn’t mean giving up on them or discontinuing parenting altogether, I began to explore what this meant for me in parenting my teens as their mother.
It decided it was things that were in my control. To me, these were things like:
· Praying for direction
· Listening to the spirit
· Finding and utilizing helpful resources
· Following through with parenting
· Loving more unconditionally
· Paying attention to my thoughts and feelings
· Finding and accessing love
· Sharing my beliefs, thoughts, and feelings
· Praying for mentors and enlisting their help (grandparents, cousins, church leaders, etc.)
My focus became what I can do to love, teach, or help instead of worrying about or trying to control what their outcome would be (only they could decide that). I started practicing the mantra, “I am releasing this to the universe” and “the universe is working in their favor.” I learned to trust the process more as well as my kids.
Mentors did come along for my children and I promised myself I would be on the lookout for them, acknowledge them, and express gratitude for their efforts. I began to think more abundantly and feel more assured as I focused on these things.
Mentors came in the way of school and church leaders, piano teachers, employers, neighborhood friends, and extended family members. My kids would often tell me things one of these mentors had said or taught them that would be exactly what I had been trying to teach them but had fallen on deaf ears at the time. It didn’t matter to me anymore that they weren’t getting it from me, it just mattered that they were getting it.
So many prayers were answered through mentoring. You can be an answer to someone else’s prayer for their child. Never underestimate the powerful influence you can be in the life of a teen. Mentor your child’s friends, your nieces and nephews, your friend’s children, those you teach in any capacity, those in your neighborhood, or those you meet out in the community. Always assume the best in them and help them to see who they can become. Give them hope where they don’t see it. Let them hear you praise them and find the good in them every chance you get.
The world needs more mentors. This is the solution to the problems in our society. Instead of finding and emphasizing all the problems in the world, we must learn to look after each other, to protect, encourage, inspire, and love more willingly.
