If you’re shocked and hurt your teen is lying to you and you’re wondering why she’s doing it, you’re in the right place. I’ve been there, and I understand.
Perhaps you’ve always been close, but now the distance is growing. You’ve tried different approaches with her but instead of finding a solution, you’re feeling more frustrated because nothing you’ve tried works.
She tells another lie, and then another, and another. You begin to wonder if she’s lying even when she’s telling the truth. You question her, but you don’t know whether to believe her answers anymore.
And what’s more, you’re aware you’re making it worse but you can’t seem to help it. You’re likely creating a story in your head, and then your thoughts are running wild. Then you have an accompanying horrible, unwelcome feeling in your throat along with an upset stomach. You feel so bottled and shaken up, you react in anger. From this place of feeling anger and betrayal, you even feel justified and victimized. She’s the one who has been lying. She’s created this mess. You blame and rationalize, but ultimately—even then, the hurt and shame ensues and takes over completely.
In your head, you can’t get away from thoughts like, “What is she thinking?” and “I’ve taught her right—she knows better,” or “I’ve always been the one she can talk to about anything.”
And then she can’t—she won’t. She isn’t talking to you. Why?
Because that’s what teens do sometimes.
It’s a neutral circumstance and it doesn’t mean a lot of the things you’re conjuring up in your head.
Do you remember when you told your first lie? Chances are, it was around age 3, when kids first learn their parents can’t read their minds. They can “trick” or fool someone into believing something that isn’t true and so they start experimenting with more with lies. And that’s all it is—an experiment using words.
While your teen is experimenting, she is testing and discovering.
Eighty-two percent of teens surveyed for a study admitted to lying to their parents about a significant matter during the last year (and researchers added they believed it was likely some lied about their lying). Like their adult counterparts, teens desire to be viewed in a more positive light. They have other reasons for lying such as trying to get out of trouble or when they feel the rules are arbitrary or unfair. They lie to protect their reputation or that of a friend. They lie to protect their privacy or assert their independence.
Creating a climate in your home where teens feel they are trusted and also allowed to have their own opinions (even when they’re different from their parents’ opinions) leads to the greater likelihood of truth being conveyed rather than hidden.
While it’s not uncommon to find forthright, honest teenagers, most would agree it’s generally predictable that most teens lie at some point to their parents, and some do lie repeatedly. When it becomes an ongoing occurrence, many parents begin to struggle with how to give consequences without promoting more lying.
Whether there are natural or enforced consequences for the behaviors behind the lying, or the lying itself, it’s the strong emotions (like shock, hurt, anger, or shame) that come through your thoughts about this circumstance [or these words] that compound these situations.
Perhaps you react in anger—maybe you burst out yelling at her, you cry, you can’t stop your ruminating thoughts, you spin in overwhelm, confusion, and worry about her future. Maybe you start micromanaging, or maybe you withdraw. All of these are your actions, spawned by your feelings.
And then what do you have? The result of more hurt, confusion, and distance between you. The result that YOU created, which originated in your mind through your thinking.
But what if the result of this process could ultimately lead to something good?
What if it somehow meant that you could have an even closer relationship? How could it possibly mean this? Let’s explore some ideas. Maybe you can experiment now…
How could you think about your daughter that would bring you to more of a neutral place? Can you separate the behavior from the person? Is her behavior age-appropriate? Is it possible she is supposed to be having this experience?
Is it possible that it’s good you found out now as opposed to later? Could you have the thought, “Well, at least I know” or “I’m glad I know now” or “Even though this is hard for me to hear, I know we’re going to get through it” or “I’m getting good practice here” or “I can learn to sit with discomfort” or “I can find a helpful way to talk to her about it” or “I’m going to learn how to navigate this” or “it’s possible we could come out closer on the other end.”
Whatever thoughts you choose, you can create a step-ladder approach that brings you from the negative place to a more neutral place, and eventually a more positive one. It’s all optional and it’s all available anytime and anywhere.
When we get to neutral and then begin to recognize we could even view it positively, that’s when we see other emotions becoming available to us. Emotions like acceptance, openness, and curiosity can help generate actions that can produce a more desirable result.
Instead of creating more distance, you become open to understanding. It’s not that you view lying as an acceptable, positive circumstance, it’s just that you see can see it for what it is—neutral. Which then allows you to love your daughter unconditionally.
And as hard as it may be to get to love and actually feel love in these moments, it’s always an option, and it’s always available.
