You witness the eye-rolling and ignoring—then there’s the yelling and door-slamming. You wonder what will be next, whether or not to intervene, and mostly—when will this be over?
Many parents feel drawn into their teens’ experiences, along with one-sided interpretations and accompanying feelings. Often, it produces intense feelings on both sides, that lead to greater uncertainty and unsettled emotions.
As parents, we want to help our children through the murky waters of life, but our well-intended interest and sometimes over-involvement can wind up mirroring strong emotions and creating unhelpful patterns in the relationships we care about most.
So how do we help our children when they’re experiencing these intense feelings? Do we step back and do nothing, or do we intervene to help? If so, how?
Here are 8 strategies for helping your teen navigate strong emotions…
- Separate What’s in Your Control and Out of Your Control
Simply put, your thoughts, feelings, and actions are in your control. Your child’s thoughts, feelings, and actions are out of your control. No matter what your child does or doesn’t do, you can still show up consistently as the kind of parent you want to be.
- Manage Your Own Thoughts and Feelings
The most important thing that every parent can do is be more aware of their own thoughts and feelings. Are you having thoughts like, this shouldn’t be happening, this needs to stop, or I can’t deal with this? If so, you’re likely caught in your own web of strong emotions, and not in a clean space of neutrality and objectivity. Having a growth mindset in these situations can help. For example, you can choose to adopt a mindset of perhaps there’s something we are meant to learn from this, I’m open to working through it, we’re in new territory but we’re figuring it out, or this is how it is right now, and that’s ok.
- Learn to Accept Negative Emotions as Part of Your Teen’s Experience
It’s not your job to keep your teen from experiencing discomfort. Life is meant to have contrasts, with both ups and downs. Are you resisting or accepting the idea that your teen may not be happy, and in fact, finds his current circumstances extremely difficult? We think we want our kids to be happy, but this sneaky thought actually makes most parents feel pressure. Is it possible you’re uncomfortable with the idea your teen isn’t happy, and this leads you to feel unsettled yourself? Then from that place of feeling unsettled you try to “fix” what you think is wrong, ultimately trying to help yourself feel better, too. What if you could release yourself from this belief that you are the one in charge of your teen’s happiness? Perhaps this circumstance of him being unhappy is an opportunity for you to model resilience, confidence, and assurance. What if he needs to feel negative emotion right now in order to recognize and appreciate positive emotion? Remember teenagers are on their own journey, learning and writing their story in their own time and way.
- Be Available to Listen
Acknowledge where they are and what they’re feeling. Don’t try to talk them out of their thoughts and feelings. Their experience is very real to them. Ask questions to understand—what are you feeling right now? What does it feel like? What are you thinking? Do you believe that’s true? Do you like feeling/thinking that way? Why or why not? Don’t jump to solving for them. Just listen.
- Invite Your Teen to Utilize Helpful Resources
Introduce resources like meditation, mindfulness, and relaxation exercises. Encourage deep breathing or other activities that help calm and center their mind. Some teenagers like the peace and quiet of their room and alone time, while others want to talk about it, and sometimes it’s with anyone but their parent. Could they benefit from talking to an extended family member, a trusted friend or mentor? Are they open to receiving professional help? Remember you can invite or encourage, but it may not be something they’ll do.
- Set Clear Boundaries and Follow Through on Consequences
Do you communicate family rules, expectations and consequences clearly? Does your teen understand the difference between having strong emotions and acting on them? Create an atmosphere where you consistently teach family members where those boundaries are so they understand negative feelings are a normal part of life, but sometimes the actions that stem from them can be potentially harmful. Just because someone is thinking and feeling something intensely, doesn’t mean it’s ok to act on it. Does your teen understand consequences for these kinds of actions? Setting limits and enforcing them with love and consistency can help parents operate from a place of compassion, confidence, and peace when reinforcing boundaries.
- Establish Routines with Connection
At the very core, negative emotions generally stem from a sense of powerlessness or feeling out of control. Routines can provide comfort and reassurance. Having a regular time to connect with your child each day—without screens involved—can provide a foundation of connectedness where everyone is regularly acknowledged and heard. Whether it’s at family dinner or while driving together in the car, make time for daily communication. Weekly family meetings can be a time where schedules and concerns are discussed regularly as a whole. More personal 1:1 communication can take place casually or formally. Make a habit of checking in regularly and asking useful questions like, “What’s hard for you right now?” or “How can I help?” We may not be able to force our teens to engage, but we can be available at the crossroads of their lives. There may be times when they feel lost and think they have no one to turn to, but then there you are, late at night when they decide to open up. Do you make time, even when you’d rather be asleep? Establishing and maintaining these routines and connections requires effort and sacrifice but will yield results over time.
- Allow for Mistakes and Failure
When strong emotions are involved, parenting through it can be trial and error, and there are bound to be times you think you’ve failed. Just as you give your teen room to fail, give yourself space to be human, too. Just because you’re the parent doesn’t mean you don’t make mistakes. Admit when you’re wrong and apologize. Forgive and move on—model this to your children and they will learn to accept themselves and their humanness as well. We learn by doing. There is no true failure–we’re either winning or learning (FAIL=First Attempt In Learning).
No two teenagers are the same and there is no “one-size-fits-all” parenting approach, but these strategies can guide your efforts as you navigate the wide array of emotions that are bound to be a part of your family dynamics throughout the process. When we understand what’s in our control and out of our control, things become clear, and the day-to-day more doable.
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