Does your teenager tell you they’re sick and tired of all the questions you’re asking? Questions play a critical role in healthy brain development for our teens and can set them on a path that leads to more developed critical thinking skills. They’re learning how to navigate problems independently, but so often we ask them unhelpful, disempowering questions like—”why didn’t you [do this]?” or “what’s the matter with you?” When these types of questions are asked, the brain gets stuck in negativity. If we ask a negative question, the brain will look for a negative answer.
As parents, we can model asking questions that promote searching internally with curiosity for answers, instead of questions that often lead to judging personal ability or worth.
There’s a simple, yet important distinction to make when deciding which questions to ask. If we ask a positive question, the brain will look for a positive answer. The right kinds of questions can promote curiosity, creativity, and optimism. Think about whether or not your question does this. For example, “what are your thoughts about [this experience]?” or “what would you do differently next time?” or “what do you see as the good that can come from this?” When we lead with the right questions, we prompt a search for possibilities instead of dead ends.
Open-ended questions elicit more productive conversation and self-discovery than closed-ended questions (one word or yes/no answers). Here are some examples of open-ended, positive questions teens can ask themselves (or we can ask ourselves) that will bring about more empowering answers.
How can I make today better than yesterday?
What am I grateful for?
What can I learn from this?
What if I did know the answer?
How is it possible this could be good for me?
How can I make my future more exciting than my past?
How can I be an example of what’s possible?
How can I look at this as an opportunity instead of a problem?
Where do I see myself in the next year, 5 years, 10 years?
How have I made it through my past struggles?
What do I love about myself?
How can I take better care of myself, so I have more to give to others?
How can I get my work done and have fun at the same time?
What can I do to laugh a lot today?
What can I do to “pay it forward” today?
Conversation starter questions you can ask your teenager:
What are the earliest memories you can recall?
How would you describe your personality?
How would you describe my personality?
What do you think of my hairstyle?
What’s something embarrassing that I do?
What was your most embarrassing moment?
What are the big topics being discussed at school right now?
What do you think of [this particular political issue]?
Do you believe in God? What has shaped your belief?
How have you felt supported in your life?
What could I do to help you feel more supported?
Who are your 3 favorite people to be around and why?
If you could be famous, who would you be?
What was the best/worst part of your day today?
Do you think today’s teens or teens from my era have had it worse? Why?
Explore and use open-ended, positive questions with yourself and others this week—encourage your teen to do the same. Journal your answers and record the feelings these thoughts produce for you.
