Have you ever looked at a family and thought “they have something special” and then wondered how to get it? Maybe you can’t put your finger on it but it’s like a secret recipe or secret sauce and you know you want it.
I remember looking at families I admired who were one or two steps ahead of my phase, paying close attention to what they were like, what they did and didn’t do, taking mental notes and even talking to them personally. I asked them about their family culture and values, how they went about teaching, discipline, dinnertime, or involving everyone in household chores. I read A LOT. I thought A LOT.
Growing up, I was aware that my family had something special too and I knew I wanted to have that for my own family one day also. Eventually, it became clear we didn’t have the exact same personalities or circumstances in our family, but I knew there were things we could create in our home that would produce this “secret sauce.”
While there are a variety of examples I could use to illustrate how we tried and failed at creating this magic, there’s one that comes to mind because of my love/hate relationship with it—the ongoing evolution of our Sunday routine. From kids fighting or screaming to whining and complaining, Sundays were not relaxing to me. I viewed it as a day that should be different from the rest and I wanted it to be a standout from our week. Many times, it was a standout for being unbearable.
Our Sunday routine has evolved over the years. One thing that has stayed the same is that we spend time together as a family. This includes going to church together, coming home and enjoying a meal together, discussing the upcoming week, going for a walk, and gathering for some sort of learning activity.
When our daughter was ten she began complaining about Sundays and how boring they were to her. She always had a great imagination, so we came up with a long list of activities and ideas for Sundays, but nothing replaced her ongoing whining. I thought it would be a short-lived phase. Nope, it went on for years!
One activity that did seem to help was “Country of the Week.” Each person in our family would take a turn researching and reporting on a country of their choice on Sunday and share with the family what they discovered. We ate food from different cultures, learned about other religions, geography, history, science, art, etc. Our overall goal was to cultivate a love of learning in our home and an awareness of the world and other people.
We may not remember a lot of what we learned, but it influenced each of us in a positive way to have this experience together. It took us 8 years to cover every country of the globe from home, but we finished this expedition with enthusiasm and satisfaction.
When we are shaping our family culture, it’s not about having control over individual outcomes for each person—that’s up to them. We can provide the experience and they will make of it what they choose. Sometimes it will go well and sometimes it will fail miserably. At times, I argued with my husband about the time and energy it took, the mess it made of the kitchen, and the smell of all the spices and foods. It could take a week to air out the house and clean up remaining grease spots from a somewhat absent-minded chef.
We could have let these things keep us from creating the outcome we wanted. It would’ve been easy to give up—and our consistency definitely waned. The “secret sauce” doesn’t usually come easily or all at once. It’s a process that involves trial and error, persistence, and vision. When you find those little glimmers that have foreseeable potential, stick it out and see where it goes. One day it may become part of your memorable family culture.
What are your family routines and traditions that create your “secret sauce?”
