It’s been said “the art of parenting is in the letting go.” Cutting the apron strings doesn’t usually happen in one fell swoop. Allowing teens to make their own decisions and experience personal accomplishment and failure can foster trust, accountability, growth and independence when carried out appropriately.
Here are some guidelines for success:
1. Have regular conversations with your teen about your family rules, expectations, and consequences.
2. Give age-appropriate choices and responsibilities. Help your child understand that with making these choices comes accountability.
3. Ask your child what you can do to support him/her (remember just because they tell you doesn’t mean you’re obligated to do it—help them understand what you will and won’t do to help). Will you pay for college tuition or do they understand at an early age what they will be saving for and how you are willing to help? Just because you have the means to pay doesn’t always mean this is the best for your child.
4. Communicate to your child the good that you see in them. Notice and compliment them on their strengths and attributes. Let them hear you speak positively of them in front of others.
5. Allow them to fail. Let it be a neutral experience for you. They can interpret and view it however they will. Let go of having to “save” or “fix” your teen.
Here’s one example that illustrates these points:
Once school got out, I asked my family if we could each take a night to be in charge of making dinner over the summer. They all agreed. Everyone picked a night, we discussed responsibilities, and everyone was on board. I was so excited to be cooking only one night a week!
Then, week one rolled around. No meals were planned or prepared by any of the kids. What?? And guess who was asking about dinner? (It wasn’t me).
Week 2 rolled around…same scenario.
Week 3…again, same scenario.
I asked them if they had questions, I reviewed our plan with them, reaffirmed I would get ingredients they needed from the store if listed 48 hours in advance…still waiting for my dinner.
Natural consequences began to unfold. Kids became unhappy about the low food supply. I reminded them they have access to a car and their bank accounts. They can buy groceries anytime and get reimbursed.
We are trying to phase them into “adulting.” Ironically, my 17-year-old son who expressed his eager anticipation to move out of the house and be independent on his own just weeks before, has been most unhappy about this.
How am I feeling about this? Not angry, frustrated or upset—just totally neutral, and curious. They are all hard working, good kids—why the failure to follow through? To me, it’s ok that our family plan failed for 3 weeks straight. Why? My kids are living the natural consequences of their choices.
When it comes to failure, there are two kinds of fails—worthy fails and escape fails. Escape fails are when you plan to do something but fail because you didn’t try. A worthy fail is when you do your part, but it doesn’t work out due to circumstances beyond your control. In this case, my husband and I planned and cooked our assigned nights, but our kids didn’t (escape fail for them, worthy fail for our family plan). It’s valuable to note the difference! And as a side note—I’ve had plenty of personal escape fails the past 3 weeks, namely succumbing to Ben and Jerry’s as my dinner.
What have been your escape fails or worthy fails in parenting your teens?
